And now I'm making deals?... The Inner Breast Cancer B@d@ss has yet to show her face

The potential of loss over the next 10 weeks became a little overwhelming today.  It seemed to all just hit me at once, although, in reality, it was one lose followed quickly by another, followed quickly by another.  Running to the bathroom between classes almost wasn't fast enough today.  I could lose my hair.  That would start soon.  I could have permanent heart damage.  We won't know until we know.  Osteoporosis - that could happen.  I *am* losing the coordination of my hands, but haven't felt *too* much pain, yet, but I drop *so much* now.  What will that mean for driving?  No cross-stitching.  Don't laugh.  I love it.  I can't figure things out like I used to - and now it is sooooo hard to teach like I used to.  I get lost in my reasoning - but now what I have are pieces with no connections.  I can't lean on my hands *at all* or they are instantly half in pain and half asleep.  There is no closure where there once was a very cozy place for me; a cozy place, in fact, that I only discovered about...  8 months ago.

And my breaking point - my favorite comfort food doesn't taste good anymore.  I spent more than I should have to indulge myself.  My appetite hasn't been great, but it's been steady.  I was so ready to treat myself on payday.  So of this rant - this is what I've lost in the last 24 hours - lost some hand coordination = driving, typing, cross-stitching - lost the ability to self regulate body temperature, especially at night/can't sleep close to anyone or anything - I can't figure things out like I used to, like even yesterday, and it is severely affecting my lectures - leaning on my hands puts them half in pain and half asleep - and closure.  Everyone deserves a little closure sometime, right?  And my favorite comfort food.  It tastes like nothing doused in ketchup now.

So I'm still willing to deal.  One.  Just one.  If I can keep one of these things I am either in the process of losing or in danger of losing, I would be happy.  I promise.  I don't even need to choose.  You pick, and I'll be happy with it.  Really.  I will.  Trust me.

TMI - You Can't Say You Weren't Warned

I have never been so scared.  Ever.  Ever, ever.  All I can think is "please, please don't take it all."  Both nipples will be gone, eventually.  But my strength, my stamina, my.... interest.  I won't even call it what it is.  I am talking about my "libido" and the physical experience of intimacy.  My "interest" is higher than it's ever been in my life.  Intimacy has never *felt* better in my life.  I'm not ready to...  lose this, yet.  The treatment I start today, though, could take that away.  All of it.  And I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to wait and see if my so very young relationship is going to have to try and weather *another* so very unnatural adjustment.  Not yet.  Just please, not yet.  I don't know what bargain I'm willing to make to keep this piece of me just a little bit longer, but I'm willing to talk terms.  Please?  Hair.  I'd be completely willing to lose my hair and both nipples and never complain about any of it if I can just keep this piece.  That's got to be worth something in a sentimental, "rings of Akhaten" kind of way ~ my dreads are past my waist.  Please, consider it?  It's all I feel like I have left to bargain with.

This isn't a very Buddhist reaction.  This is what they would define as attachment, I suppose.  Except I never had this piece, really, to begin with ~ intimacy I could enjoy that wasn't tainted with one of the myriad of events in my past.  Intimacy I enjoyed that didn't make me feel like I was imposing.  It feels so *good* to be with him, and I am not ready to lose that, yet.  Please?  I *like* feeling good.  I don't think I took it for granted.  But just because you treat a thing exactly right ~ never take it for granted, always appreciate it ~ doesn't mean you won't lose it.  It just means that you did it right while you had it.  It's easier to lose something, though, when you have someone to blame - even if that someone is yourself.  Then something can be done differently "next time" so maybe when the loss present itself again, you know better what to do so as not to lose it.  That's the goal behind learning from past mistakes, so the outcome next time around is better.   This is the first time I am facing the possibility of losing something that I did everything within my power to keep alive.  Everyone involved did.  This should be an interesting piece.  Talk about new territory...