TMI Alert: One Day in Life After C

I suppose it might depend on your definition of TMI, but whatever...

I am starting to understand more of what people mean when they say, "there will come a point where you *know* you are recovering. There will eventually be more days when you feel more like the 'old you' instead of the trainwreck of the 'new you' that seemed like it would never end."

Ok, so no one painted THAT bad of a picture. And I'm starting to understand why that it, too, but that's not my point today.

What is my point today?

My point is I started off today on a high note - a really high note. I interviewed with The Fig Tree - an interfaith newsletter - to become a volunteer staff member that would help edit, keep the office open, organized community education events, stuff like that. And the interview, it was inspiring. It gave me ideas. It made me feel like I could make a difference.

And I spoke with the Washington Community College Humanities Association today about taking a seat on their board to help further education on the Humanities across the state.

I've gotten a ton of work done, finished some form-filling-out, posted some grades, bonded with my son, and updated my GoFundMe.

And that's the stickler today, I think. A few weeks ago, I started a GoFundMe for myself and my family. This journey through breast cancer has left us on the ledge of financial ruin. After exhausting all other resources I was capable of exhausting, GoFundMe was kind of what was left. It hasn't been very successful yet, but in defense of my circles, most people I know are just as "bad off," if not worse off than my family and I. It's been commented on and shared like crazy and that is just wonderful. It makes me feel so loved.

So what is my point today?

No matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish, no matter how many volunteer positions I agree to fill, it doesn't maintenance the cars, get medical attention for my kitties, get phones and computers that actually work, or pay my bankruptcy lawyer. It keeps me busy. It keeps me from thinking about it all. But it doesn't *fix* anything for us. I can't take another job. I can't guarantee I would have the energy to commit to an entry position. Besides, it's not like I don't make enough money to live on, I just don't make enough money to catch up, pay for immediate needs, AND keep up with monthly bills.

On the downswing of days like today, that's the reality that's waiting for me, and it's hard. It's exhausting.

Most of all, it's humiliating.

I must say, GoFundMe, among many positives, at least offers the opportunity to beg without having to do it face to face or stand on a corner with a sign ~ the 1st, I have done many times ~ the 2nd, I've considered, but haven't resort to, I mean, I don't even know the rules for claiming a corner. I also don't seem to have Kanye's knack for getting people to donate just to shut me up and make me go away, unfortunately.

So boiled down to the most simple point today?

Gratitude.

Thank you, GoFundMe, for helping me and so many others save a little face.

Last Published...

...on Oct 17, 2015. So much for the ability, drive, motivation for consistency, and my Inner Breast Cancer B@d@ss...

I wonder if I had blogged regularly through this... whole thing, if I would have felt stronger...

...or if it would have drained me more.

I wonder if I had blogged regularly through this... whole thing, if I would have felt more sane...

...or if it would have made me crazier.

I wonder if I had blogged regularly through this... whole thing, I would have been able to avoid the current financial crises I find myself facing...

...or if I'm just *that bad* at the daily life stuff.

I wonder if I had blogged regularly through this... whole thing, reality would look more like the grand ideas in my head...

...or if I want to blame cancer because I am a dreamer, not a doer.

I wonder a lot of things. I would say I wonder how important my wondering even is, but I know from experience that making a difference, even to one person, it's important. It's not just important to that person, it's important to our community, our society. Not only do we "get back" what we "put out there," what we send out creates ripple, whether we witness them or not.

I want my ripples to look like smiles. I want my ripples to sound like sighs of relief. I want my ripples to feel like company.

And that can't happen sitting on my couch guzzling Candy Crush Saga. I'm not sure how it DOES happen, but it won't happen in the cocoon of a cell phone screen.